


Amnesia (NeganxReader)

by ppbpyb



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fucking, Memory Alteration, Original Character(s), Rough Kissing, Smut, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:28:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26755063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ppbpyb/pseuds/ppbpyb
Summary: When all hell breaks loose, you have to choose between getting sweet revenge..or saving the man you hate the most.
Relationships: Negan (Walking Dead) & You
Kudos: 7





	1. The Escape

It's chaos. Everything around you is pure chaos.

You've just fought off a walker and you're looking around you to find your friends from Alexandria; but everything and everyone are all becoming blurred into one big mosh pit.

There's walkers attacking people, people attacking walkers, people attacking people and you no longer have a clue about who to help first. There's grunts and screams echoing together, and it's so loud. All you want to do is cover your ears and make it stop.

You keep looking around you, trying to decipher your friends. Your ears are ringing and you can't stop panting heavily. You feel as though you are in a trance.

All of a sudden, you're snapped out of this by Michonne shaking you . "Y/N! Y/N! Are you listening to me?! We've got to go! Now!". All you can manage to reply with is a breathy "Y-Yeah."

She signals for you to follow her and you both start running towards one of the cars furthest away from the crowd. There are a couple of walkers coming towards her and she swiftly beheads them with a swing of her sword.

There's a loud a loud 'bang!', and then another one, and another one; and that's when you realize that those noises were gunshots. Gunshots being fired in your direction. You duck slightly but keep running until you reach a tree and use it as cover. You can see Michonne hiding behind the car and she's looking back and forth between you and the gunman. You've got to get to that car immediately, but you know it won't be easy to do. And from the way Michonne is looking at you, you know she's thinking the same thing.

The gunman is quickly approaching you, and you have to decide whether it's worth the risk. The longer you wait, not only are you in grave danger, but so is Michonne. You take a deep breathe and look back at her. You think to yourself, 'she has to get out of here, she has to help the others.'

"Go! I'll find you!" you shout. Her eyes widen and she shakes her head. You can feel anger rising up inside you, you can't lose another person you care about. You shout again, "Go goddammit!" and you know she can hear the firmness in your voice. She knows how stubborn you are once you've decided on something.

She hesitantly but swiftly gets into the car, gives you one last look and drives off. That's when you start running in the complete opposite direction, towards the thick forest in front of you. You know that's not a great idea considering that all the noises from this battle is attracting even more walkers; but you'd rather be eaten by them, than be captured or killed by one of the saviors.

You're running for what seems like forever, avoiding any walkers further away from you rather than stopping to kill them. That would take up too much of your precious and greatly needed energy and time. You finally come to a stop when you can no longer see anything around you, dead or living.

Your body feels heavy and you've barely eaten anything since the saviors took you captive a week ago. You know you need to rest and you luckily manage to find a hole just beneath a large tree trunk. It was big enough for you to squeeze in and so you begin to gather fallen tree branches, leafs and anything else you can find to camouflage your temporary hideout. Once you are satisfied, you crawl into the tight space in the ground and finish covering yourself up.

It doesn't take long for you're body to give in and you fall into a deep sleep. Your dreams are filled with horrible images and sounds. Flashbacks to when you were held captive, the torture you endured..and the evil man with the barbed wire bat.

You're startled awake but a 'thump'! followed by a deep grunt. You're eyes widen, your body is frozen in place. You try to breathe as quietly as possible, trying to listen for whatever that noise was. You lay there in silence for what you thought was fifteen minutes, before you decide to check on what that was. You remove some of your cover and have a good look around you. It looks like the coast is clear, so you get out of your hideout and stand up for a better look.

You turn around to look behind you, your eyes scanning through the trees and tall grass. Your eyes finally settle on something you thought was..out of place. As you squint, your vision becomes clearer and you realize that it's shoe. A black boot in particular.

You start walking towards it with caution. You grab a small branch for protection, as you have no idea of what could be hiding there. As you get closer, you can see that's it's not just a shoe. It's actually a body. A body of a man. He's laying still on the floor, his arms sprawled out and his head is turned away from you. 'Is he dead?' you think to yourself.

You start walking around the body, to get a better look of his face. You're horrified when you realize who it is. You suddenly forget how to breathe, panic overcomes you and you want to start running as far away from him as possible. But you don't. Your legs won't budge and you can't stop staring at his face. That's when you realize that he's still breathing. You also notice blood on the top of his arm and you wonder if he's been bitten. Curiosity takes over you and you start walking towards him to get a better look. As you inspect the wound, you come to the conclusion that it's not a bite, but in fact from a gunshot. You scan over his body for other injuries, but that's the only one you can see.

You can feel yourself start to well up, tears forming in your eyes. Flashbacks to the first time you saw this man's wickedly smug face, to when he brutally murdered your friend Glenn in front of you and the others, to when his crew captured you when you went out on a supply run, to when he got them to torture you until you told them where Alexandria was..

You look at the ground and your eyes fall on a baseball bat a few feet away. You instantly recognize it. You know it is the same one that killed all those innocent people. You go and grab it, and then walk back to him. Your hatred towards this man starts becoming more and more intense, the more you think about what he's done to you and your loved ones. Months ago, you swore you were going to kill him one day, but you didn't truly believe that you would be the one to actually get the chance to do it. You raise the bat just above his head and say his name through clenched teeth, "Negan."


	2. Moral Dilemma

You're about to collide the bat to his head, you can already feel the relief and justice as you're about to end it, when Negan suddenly opens his eyes. You look at him in fear but his eyes look..blank? He's starting to sit up when you yell "Don't! Don't you dare move or I'm going to crush your skull in!". He stares at you with a confused look on his face, which throws you off because you're only used to seeing hatred in his eyes. You can still do it. You still have the chance to kill him but something stops you, and it's not just the fact that he's just woken up.

"Sorry, who the hell are you? And where the fuck am I?" He says as he's rubbing the back of his head. He then looks down towards his injured arm and tries to cover the wound with his palm. He inhales sharply, indicating that he's in pain.

"I said don't fucking move! Put your hands out in front of you where I can see them!" you demand whilst you hold the bat with one hand and remove the rope you used as a belt from your jeans with the other.

"You didn't answer my questions. I have no idea who you are. What do you want from me?" He asks you, sounding sincere. Is he fucking serious? He thinks I'm going to buy this crap? He thinks I'm going to believe he doesn't know who I am, or that I don't know who the fuck he is?

"We can talk after I've tied your hands up", you reply. He looks somewhat defeated and extends his arms in front of him. You kneel down towards him and firmly tie his arms with the rope. As you finish with that, you proceed to remove the belt around his black jeans and wrap it above his wound, just tight enough to slow down the bleeding. Part of you feels weird helping this monster, but your instinct takes over and you know you can't refuse to help someone...even if that someone is him.

He's starting to look pissed. 'There's the familiar look I remember!' you think to yourself. "So now that you've got me all tied up, will you fucking tell me what's going on here?" he asks, raising his voice slight.

You decide to play along with his little game. If he thinks you believe him, he might let his guard down, and that'll be your chance to kill him or for you to get away. "There was a battle, everyone was killing each other. I almost managed to get out of there when one of your men started shooting at me. I had to run into these woods to get away. I was able to hide out for a while until I heard noise and when I came out, I found you laying on the ground unconscious". He listened intently, furrowing his eyebrows. You didn't see a point in lying to him about that.

"Don't you remember what happened?" you ask him curiously.

"I remember running and then feeling heat coming from my arm. I think I might have tripped, but that's as much as I can remember" he replies. He seemed so genuine, that you almost believed him. But you knew better than that. No way were you going to fall for this wicked man's lies.

Out of nowhere, a walker appears from your left. It is way too close to run away from it, so you have no other choice but to kill it. You tighten your grip on the bat and with one swing you hit it's head. The bat somehow gets stuck in it's skull. It looks like it's been caught up between the decaying flesh, muscle and bones. You haven't injured it's brain yet, so it's still flailing towards you. You can hear Negan's voice behind you but you're too focused on getting the bat unstuck from the walker's head to understand what he's saying.

Something grips your jumper from behind and you immediately realize that it's another walker attacking you. The grip isn't there for long though before the walker seems to be falling to its knees.

You bring your focus back to the first walker and you're finally able to remove the bat from it's skull. You take another swing and that does it. The walker falls limp on the floor, and you breathe a sigh of relief. You swiftly turn around just in time to see Negan stomping on the second walker's head. That's when you register that the reason why it fell down in the first place, is because Negan injured the back of its legs so it could no longer stand. He helped you? There's no way.

As he's finished taking care of the walker, he looks at you while panting heavily. It's not that angry look this time, it's something different. Surprise? Concern? You can't say for certain. You're panting as well, and you stare back at him intently. You don't want to let your guard down. You can't let him see any of your weaknesses.

"There's more coming" he declares. For a second you think that he's trying to make you let your guard down, but you soon notice all of the moving bodies slowly approaching you. He was right. More walkers were coming straight to you.

You look to the right of you, next to where he's standing and you see a small clearing. If you run now, you'll be able to make it. "Follow me" you say to him, sounding determined and confident.

"What about my hands? I can't protect myself like this" he extends his arms, gesturing for me to release them.

You shake your head - "No fucking way. Your hands are staying as they are. If we run now, we'll get away from the walkers without having to fight them", you say sternly.

His expression turns back into a scowl and he lets out an exasperated "Fine."

You start running towards the clearing and he's running next to you. You run fast enough so that you escape from the dead ones but not so fast that's he's behind you and you can't keep an eye on him.

The running turns into jogging after ten minutes and you're looking at your surroundings. Trying to figure out where you might be or if there's any shelter close by.

"Stop" you hear Negan say and turn towards him. He has his hands on his hips and he's looking up towards the sky. He then walks near some trees and seems to be looking at them closely. You walk closer to him to see what he's looking at and notice that trees around you have a thin green rope tied around them.

"I recognize this area. These signs. I'm not sure how but I think this will lead us to a shelter." Negan states and he starts walking towards where the signs are showing him to go. Your hesitant, but you're also starting to feel the exhaustion again and you know the walkers are probably still following you. You decide against your better judgement and follow him.

You walk in silence for a short while until a small wooden house comes into view. You're looking around you, to make sure this isn't some kind of trap but there seems like no one else is there apart from you and Negan.

"I knew it! Didn't I tell you doll?" He exclaims, a smirk appearing on his face. You decide to ignore that. He walks up to the house and opens the door. You soon follow behind, not letting your guard down however.

You enter the small wooden hut, smelling the dampness and mould in the air. It's just a room with a table, a few chairs and surprisingly, a sofa. There's a tiny kitchen at the back and a chest of drawers beside it. You remind yourself to be grateful. Even though it's the last place you want to be in right now, at least it's shelter. It's going to give you the chance to rest for the day and figure out what the heck you're going to do about this situation.

As he's got his back to you, you hold the bat up high and say "Hey! Sit down on that chair." As he turns around to face you, his smirk is replaced with that scowl of his.

"You still think I'm going to hurt you?" he asks, but sits down on the chair nevertheless.

You don't respond. Instead, you find a thick rope on the table and use this to tie him tightly around the chair.

After this, you sit down on a chair on the opposite side of the table, the bat never leaving your hand. He's staring at you, and you're staring at him. If this were a completely different situation, you'd laugh at the staring contest going on. But now, you're face to face with the evil bastard who started all of this chaos in the first place; and there's no way you're backing down.


	3. Not Worth Saving

Negan interrupts your staring contest by asking you, "Any chance we can get this arm looked at?" He looks down to his still bleeding arm and you follow his gaze. You'd forgotten about his injury for a moment; too busy keeping your guard up in case he tried something stupid.

You reply with an "Oh yeah", and get up from your seat to look through the set of drawers on the far right of the room. You rummage through them but don't find anything. They're practically empty. You rest your hands on your hips, trying to think of what you're going to do next.

It seems that Negan senses this and says "The first aid kid is in the last drawer, underneath the wooden board." 

"Damn, you seriously look like shit" you admit when you turn to look at him.

"You say that, but you haven't been able to keep your eyes off me this whole time" he smirks, showing his teeth a little. You scoff, trying to ignore what he just said, and resume to retrieving the kit. You open the last drawer for the second time, lift the wooden board and sure enough it's there. You take it out and place it on the table beside Negan and take out what you need.

"Have you done this before?" he asks, there's slight panic in his voice.

You think back to the time when you had to remove a bullet from an older woman you met, when this shitstorm first begun. You had no idea what you were doing and had no tools to make it a little easier at least. You removed the bullet with your bare fingers. You still haven't been able to forget her screams. You took part of the bullet out, but she had lost too much blood. She didn't make it.

You shake off the painful memory and return to the present moment. "Once", you say. He must have understood that you didn't want to talk about it, because he didn't press you any further.

You remove the belt around his arm and pull his jacket to expose the wound. It makes you cringe looking at it, but you suck it up anyway.

"Okay, this is gonna hurt", you state obviously. You begin removing the bullet and you can see from the corner of your eye that he's clenching his teeth, trying his hardest not to scream. As you grab the bullet with the surgical pliers you found in the kit, he yells "Shit! Shit! Shit" but you don't stop until it's out. You clean the area with some rubbing alcohol and you can't help but snicker when he grunts in pain. You finally stitch him up and cover the area with some gauze.

You look up at him, suddenly becoming aware of how close you are to him, your hand is still pressed gently over the gauze on his arm.

His eyes are closed while his head is tilted, resting on the back of the chair. His breathing is shallow and he looks exhausted. Dark circles have formed under his eyes, his face is drenched in sweat. He needs to rest. He's lost so much blood, and probably getting a fever. Your suspicion is confirmed when you place the back of your hand on his very warm forehead.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"You're getting a fever, you need to rest", you reply back.

You quickly brush any doubts forming in your mind and untie him from the chair, still leaving his hands tied however. You grab is arm and help him walk over to the brown leather sofa to your right. He lies down on the sofa with his eyes shut and you prop his head up with his jacket. You use his scarf to wipe of the sweat on his face and for a brief moment, you feel sorry for him.

You walk back to the first aid kid where you find a box of antibiotics and a flask of water. The saviors are pretty well prepared it seems. You think for a moment about whether you should waste these precious items on him but you choose to ignore that thought.

You kneel next to Negan and say "You need to take these antibiotics", opening the palm of your hand where the pills are. He opens his eyes again and looks between you and his hands. That's when you realize that he can't lift his arms because one, they are tied up and two, his one arm is injured. You bring your hand up to his lips, and he parts them just enough for you to place the pills in his mouth. You do the same with the flask, and allow him to drink some water.

\---

He slept for a long time. Hour after hour passed and you've been sitting in the same position with your chest on the back on the chair, facing a sleeping Negan. You haven't let yourself take your eyes off of him. The more you stare at his peaceful, innocent-looking profile, the more you can't understand how this same man has done all those horrible things.

You try to imagine what he was like before the apocalypse; was he just as much of a psycho then? or did he turn into one after everything went to shit? 

If today was the first time you'd met him, you would have had a hard time believing he was Negan. The Negan.

As the sun set, you watched as the shadows moved across his chest, his neck, his jaw...his lightly parted lips, his eyelashes./.And that's when your body gave in too and let sleep take you over.

\---

You drift back to consciousness, feeling the stiffness and heaviness in your muscles and bones from being slouched over the chair. You figure you couldn't have been asleep for more than a couple of hours; the moon was at its peak, it's light illuminating through the window above a sleeping Negan.

You lie on the floor, using your hands as a cushion. It's far from comfortable, but it's nothing new to you. The hunger pangs in your tummy make it hard for you to fall back asleep. You try to focus on something else, but it's dark and the only sound in the room is coming from Negan's soft breathing. That proves to be just the right distraction, because you completely forget about the emptiness in your stomach.


	4. A Different Man

You are woken by the sound of footsteps above your head. You immediately open your eyes and stand up in one swift motion, feeling panic overcome every part of your body.

It takes a few seconds after Negan has turned around to face you with a can of beans in his hand, for you to finally breathe a sigh of relief. He wasn't trying to murder you. At least not in that moment. 

"Breakfast?" he asks, and of course you don't decline the offer. You split the food between you and gulf down your portion as if you hadn't eaten in days because, well...you haven't. You watch him struggle to eat with his hands still restrained, but you don't do anything about it.

"How are you feeling?" you find yourself asking. Since yesterday, you've been in this internal emotional between between sympathy and hatred. You seem to be stuck between these two emotions, not being able to pick a side.

"Better than yesterday, that's for sure. Although I do find it odd that I don't remember meeting you, but I do know you from somewhere. I just can't quite put my finger on it" he admits, squinting his eyes as if he's trying to travel back in his memories to find you somewhere among them.

Is he trying to mess with you again? You feel frustration take over you. You breathe slowly, trying to calm yourself but it doesn't do much. "You seriously don't know who I am? Do you torture that many people, that you don't even remember who they are?"

"Torture? What in the hell are you talking about hun? You seem to know who I am, so why don't you fill me in as to how the hell we know each other doll?" He leans back on his chair, looking at you expectantly. He's so good at pretending to sound sincere.

When you don't respond, he continues..."I barely remember how I ended up in these woods in the first place. I've seen this hut before, but I can't recall ever being here." He glances around the room as if he's looking for something. 

"So you're saying, you can't remember anything?"

"I do remember, but it's fuzzy. Stuff keeps coming back to me, but there's a lot of gaps missing still."

"What exactly do you remember?" you ask him curiously.

"I remember that the world's gone to shit, being surrounded by all kinds of people , beautiful women in tight dresses included." He chuckles. "I remember defending myself from the dead ones on that first night. I'm almost certain I used that same bat over there" He points his index finger to the table where the baseball bat lay still. 

You speak before you realize what you're saying, "You don't remember torturing and brutally murdering all those innocent people? Forcing them into slavery, just so you could get what you wanted but leaving them with nothing?" Your eyes fill up with tears, your lips are in a tight line, waiting for him to make up another bullshit story.

He stares at you, gobsmacked "I'm sure I've had to kill my fair share of people when I've had no other choice, but murdering and torturing them? I think you've got your facts wrong."

"So you have no idea what I'm talking about?" you press.

"No sweetheart, I have no fucking idea. I'm starting to think you're going a little crazy on me."

You can't help but wonder whether he's actually telling the truth. Maybe he doesn't remember. It did look like he had a pretty bad fall when you found him after all. 

"Does your head hurt at all?"

"Now that you ask that, yes, it really does fucking hurt. The excruciating pain in my arm must've blocked that part out" he raises his hands to touch the back of his head, but once again, he's stopped by the rope around them.

You get up and stand over him, examining his scalp, only to find a big red bump on it. He winces as you touch it. The area is scratched up, but you're surprised it wasn't worse considering how hard he must've his his head when he collapsed. So maybe he is being honest..

You grab his forearm and untie his hands. There's a part of you still filled with doubt but you decide to push that aside. You take his head injury as some kind of proof of his honesty; but you also take assurance from the fact that he's much more injured than you. If he tried anything, it would be easier to defend yourself.

"Change your mind sweetheart?" He asks, tilting his head to the side, a grin appearing on his face.

"This might be the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life, but I'm trusting you. It looks like you hit your head pretty damn hard. I'm no doctor, but that's probably why you're having trouble remembering things."

"Hopefully it'll all come back to me soon" he exhales as he stands up, sounding fairly relaxed considering he's just been told he's basically suffering from amnesia.

"Hopefully not.." you mutter under your breath.

You watch as Negan takes another dose of pills, lies back on the sofa and falls asleep.

\---

You rest your head on the table, brainstorming ideas on how you're going to get yourself out of this situation. You don't even understand how you got stuck with the devil reincarnated in the first place. Do you kill him anyway? Do you just disappear? Do you stay here with him? Do you leave together? All these thoughts are making your head hurt.

You're lucky he did get amnesia, otherwise you wouldn't be sitting here calmly a few feet away from him. With his villainous side gone, he seems like an alright guy. But he still did some fucked up shit. What if he suddenly remembers and turns to his wicked self again?

You decide to wait one more day, you don't want to make any rash decisions. There's also a couple of cans of food still left before you have to go scavenging. It'll be good to rest a little a longer before you have to face the unknown again.

You walk around the room, inspecting every crevice for any other hidden supplies but you find nothing. You make your way out of the hut's door, making sure to take the bat with you. You circle the building, taking note of your surroundings. You must remain prepared; anything could happen at any minute.


	5. Getting To Know You

Negan wakes up just as the sun starts to set, which means he'd slept through most of the day. His healing body must really need all the energy it can get. He sits up, looking confused with his eyes half open and his brows furrowed. You must admit, he looks kinda cute.

"How long have I been out?" he mumbles.

"My guess is roughly eight hours." you say back to him, a ghost of a smile gracing your lips.

"Damn, the whole day?" he utters, not making it clear whether he's asking you or himself. "Have you slept at all?"

"No, I went out to explore the area. There's not much out here. Which could either be a good or a bad thing" you say, not meeting his gaze.

"Here, you should sleep on the sofa tonight. It's only fair." He gets up and points his hands to the direction of the seat.

"But you're still hurt, you won't be able to sleep on the floor"

"I'm sure I'll be fine for one night. I've had enough sleep, I'm wide awake now! You look like you really could use some rest."

You hesitantly sit on the sofa, your body melting into it. It feels great to not be sitting on a hard surface for a change. You gently massage your arms, neck and legs, letting all the tension go.

"I didn't get your name" he states. 

You debate whether you should tell him the truth but can't see how it could do you any harm. "It's Y/N."

"That's very fitting" he replies, looking you up and down. You re-adjust yourself, feeling uncomfortable by his gaze. You turn around to look out of the window, up at the moon, wondering where you're friends are now, what they are doing, if they are safe. You feel homesick. You imagine being back in Alexandria, Rick training you how to fight, baking cookies with Carol, hanging out with Karl, Michonne letting you practice with her Katana, Daryl making you laugh...Oh how you miss those guys.

\--- 

You wake up with the sun in your eyes and as you look down by your feet, Negan is sitting there with his back to the sofa. He must've sensed you moving, because he opens his eyes as well.

"You were right. I couldn't sleep completely on the floor" he admits with a chuckle.

"Here, you can lie on the sofa again. I'll get you some more antibiotics. You feeling any better?" You push yourself off the couch, making your way to the first aid kit.

As you turn around, he's already lying down and you hand him the pills. Your hands slightly touch and it gives you this weird feeling in your stomach. You don't quite get what it is. Fear? Uneasiness? 

He lets out a 'Thanks' as he takes a swig of water. It doesn't take long for him to fall asleep again. Damn, that man can sleep.

Being left with your own thoughts again, you decide it's time. Time to leave. On your own. You were crazy to even think of staying with this madman. Yes, he might have amnesia now, but who knows when he'll get all his memories back and snap out of his 'nice guy' facade. Or his men might come looking for him. This is one of their outposts, of course they would look here eventually.

You can feel your anxiety rising again. If you're going to leave, you need to do it now. You quickly grab a can of beans, some painkillers, the bat and you're gone. As soon as you are out of the house, you start pacing quickly, worried he might wake up at any minute. You have no idea where you're going, but you know you'll find your way out. You always do. And you've had plenty of practice these past couple of years ever since the whole planet turned into zombie land.

You've been walking for about thirty minutes, no living or dead thing in sight. Your mind starts wandering back to Negan. Is he still sleeping? Has he figured out you're gone yet? Should you have left like that? You shake your head and that cloud of thought disappears. 

All of a sudden, a pair of rotting arms are reaching up towards you. It startles you, taking you completely by surprise. The lower half of its body is missing, so its just crawling on the ground. You step aside to avoid its grip, and you notice a bear trap just in time to avoid it. In doing so, your feet tangle with each other, causing you to fall over. The pain hits you immediately. You reach your arm down to your left ankle, gripping it to relieve some of the agonizing pain. But it doesn't feel any better. You tightly shut your eyes, trying to focus on bringing your breathing back to normal. 

As you open them back up, you see that the zombie has started closing the gap between you. It's almost at arms reach. You grab the bat from beside you, lifting it as high as you can and when the crawler is close enough, you aim at its skull with force. It takes another go before the crawler stops moving.

You sit there panting, trying to gather your thoughts. Your hands are digging into the soil beneath you. Out of nowhere, another of the dead ones appears from the tree beside you. It's so close that you don't even have the time to stand up. It leans down towards you and you grab the bat once again to defend yourself. In a split second it topples over you, its weight crushing you beneath it. You use the bat to keep its face as far from you as possible but you can only hold it so long. You can feel your elbows bending as your arms become weaker. That's when the zombie falls to your side, completely still.

You look up and your eyes meet Negan's. There's worry in his expression. He extends his arm to you and you take it. "Are you okay?" he asks. Before you can answer, pain pierces through your ankle as you put weight on it and let out a whimper.

"Shit, are you hurt?" he exclaims, putting his arm around your waist for support.

"A crawler appeared out of nowhere, and then I had to avoid that bear trap and fell over. Then this other other one started attacking me and I didn't have enough time to flee" you explain between breaths. 

He helps you slowly walk back to the hut. You're limping and have your arm around his shoulder. You get inside and sit on the familiar brown sofa. You can't believe it took you thirty minutes to fuck everything up. Thirty minutes. You were alone for six months and you fended for yourself just fine. You try to get away from this amnesiac murderer and you almost manage to get yourself killed. Great job Y/N.

"I'm not going to ask what you were doing out there" he states. There's a hint of disappointment in his voice.

You're in too much agony to make up some excuse or defend yourself. You swallow the painkillers he gives you and let him examine your foot.

"I'm no doctor, but I think it's just a sprain." He's kneeling down next to the couch, and looks up at you with a grin as he says that. You let out a chuckle, grateful that he's trying to distract you from the pain.

He props your leg up, placing his jacket underneath your foot. You sit like that all day, moving as little as possible; doctor's strict orders. The painkillers have eased the pain and the food Negan gave you has taken off the edge of the hunger you felt earlier.

'Just one more day' you mutter and fall into a dreamless sleep beside the man who saved your life.


	6. Joint Survival

"We're running really low on supplies. We'd barely make it two more days, even if we decreased our food and drink rations." Negan lets out a long sigh. You nodded. You were thinking the exact same thing. If you don't go out scavenging soon, it won't take long for the dehydration and malnutrition to kick in, especially in the very circumstances you are in now.

"You're right. We should pack up and go. The longer we leave it, the worse it'll be for us."

Negan turns his body to face you completely and cocks his eyebrow. 

"We? What about your ankle? I'll go on my own. And hey, who knows, I might suddenly remember where my smart ass has hidden supplies somewhere, because that's definitely something I'd do." He opens up his arms in a questioning stance and chuckles at the last part.

"No. I'm coming with you. My ankle is fine, I can walk on it without feeling excruciating pain." You stand firmly, showing him that you've made your decision and he can't change your mind. No way in hell are you leaving him to go out on his own. You still need to keep an eye on him. He hasn't fully gained your trust just yet.

"Alright" he says, and starts preparing a bag with everything you need for scavenging, not that you have much. You proceed to help him and soon enough you're both ready to go.

Almost an hour in and a few zombie kills later and you finally reach a cluster of buildings. You cautiously walk up to the door closest to you, while still keeping an eye on your surroundings. Negan places his hand on your shoulder, making you stop to look at him. You try to brush off the tumble of feelings in your stomach. This is not the time and place for your body to react this way. You need to stay focused on the mission.

Negan silently signals to you that he'll go in first, check the place out and then call you in if it's clear. Normally that's your job, but in this case you don't feel like putting up a fight about it. He whistles and you know that's the okay for you to go in. Judging from all the square cardboard boxes strewn on the floor and an image of a pizza on the front, you guess that this used to be a pizza place. You would give everything for a slice of warm, gooey, cheesy pizza right now.

You both search the place inside and out, but find nothing useful. You move onto the next building, what you assume was a small clothing store. Apart from a couple bits of clothing you decide to take with you, there's not much else.

The third building was definitely a supermarket. Most of the shelves were empty, but you luckily find a can of spaghettios and a jar of peanut butter. Not much at all, but better than nothing. You're behind the counter looking everywhere, feeling frustrated that there's nothing else for you to consume. You hear a growl and immediately turn around just as a walker falls on top of you, throwing you to the ground. Not this shit again you think. You grab it by the shoulders, trying to keep it as far away from you as possible. With as much force as you can muster, you bang its head on the shelves around you but it does little damage. Thankfully, it doesn't take long for Negan to grab it from behind, throw it to the back wall and stomp on its head until it's no longer moving.

You lay on the floor for a moment longer, trying to get your breathing back to normal. You brush your fingers through your face and hair, noting that you're sweating from the prior struggle. You move your head to the side and to your surprise you spot something under the bottom shelf.

"M&Ms! Oh my god! And they're the crispy kind!" You quickly grab the bag of m&ms, clutching them to your chest for dear life. You close your eyes and start laughing uncontrollably. Maybe it's not the right time to be laughing, but fuck it, this feels like a Christmas present. When you finally get yourself together, you open your eyes and stare straight into Negan's dark brown ones. You find yourself feeling embarrassed for the way you reacted but feel relief when you notice him smiling back at you. He extends his arm and you accept it, getting back up onto your feet.

"Good job Y/N. We have one last stop and then we need to start heading back to the hut before it starts getting dark." He says, still smiling at you.

"Thanks." You reply, looking down. Are you feeling..shy? There's no way!

You make your way to the last building, repeating the same steps as the last three searches. It's a pharmacy but as expected, it's completely empty. You look towards Negan as he stops what he's doing and looks up at the ceiling with a skeptical look on his face. 

"What is it?" You ask curiously.

He doesn't reply but instead climbs on top of the counter and moves one of the square boards in the ceiling. He reaches up and pulls down a backpack. "Jackpot" you hear him whisper to himself. He jumps off the counter and turns to you with a smug look on his face.

"Now this..is exactly what we've been looking for." He says whilst walking over to you and opening the bag to reveal canned foods, water and medical supplies.

Your gaze falls from the bag to his face, "How the hell did you-"

"Didn't I say that my smart ass would do this kind of thing? See? I wasn't lying!" He chuckles.

"Yeah, I get that. But how did you know it was there?" You start to feel uneasy. If he starts remembering things, he'll soon enough be back to his old, cruel self. You have to be gone before that happens.

"I don't know. As soon as I walked into this place it felt like I'd been here before. And I feel like there may have been other people with me too at the time." He explains.

"Okay. Do you remember who any of those people are? What they look like? Their names?" As you're overthinking this, you start to panic. What if he suddenly snaps when he remembers his past? You think of what he did then and what he could do again. You find yourself not being able to look him in the eyes.

"No, I don't." He replies, shrugging. That gives you a temporary sigh of relief, it means you have a little more time to get the hell away from him.

You make little conversation as you make your way back to the hut, feeling exhausted and a little on edge about Amnesiac Negan; the nickname you decided to give him. He must be tired too, because he doesn't make much effort to engage with you either.

When you finally arrive at the hut, you both take everything you found and lay it out on the table. There's a lot more there than you thought you would end up with earlier today. You realize that you should feel grateful in this moment. Today could've ended much worse than it did. In fact, it took a good turn with finding the hidden backpack and m&ms and all.

You feel yourself start to relax as you prepare a bigger dinner than anticipated and you both immediately dig in, enjoying each and every bite. After you've eaten, your head feels much clearer. You start to clear up your mess, 'cause just because it's the zombie apocalypse, doesn't mean you should keep things looking like a pigsty.

After you're done, you bring a chair near you as you sit on the sofa and prop your leg on the chair. Your ankle is starting to ache a little from all the walking you've done today. You let your eyelids close for a moment, and then feel the sofa dip next to you. You open your eyes back up to see that Negan is sitting next to you. You notice your heart beating faster. "Am I that scared of him?" you think.

You reach into your pocket, get the bag of m&ms out and start munching away. You suddenly feel Negan's eyes on you. Specifically where your hands are holding the m&ms, and realize how rude of you it is not offering him any. You extend your arm towards him, "Do you want some?"

"Sure doll, thanks for offering." He responds, looking at you in the eyes and licking his bottom lip. You gulp and want to look away but you don't, because it'll probably make it more obvious how much of an effect he has on you. He grabs a handful of m&ms and starts throwing them in the air, trying to catch them with his mouth. His misses a few and you start laughing.

"You suck." You announce, still laughing. 

Negan turns to you, "Oh yeah? Then show me what that mouth of yours can do then." His response surely takes you by surprise, but you manage to keep your cool.

You start throwing the m&ms in the air with your head tilted up towards the ceiling, but you don't do any better than he did. Negan laughs harder as he watches you fail miserably. You give him the side eye, trying to pretend you're annoyed with him but it's hard to keep your smile hidden. Without thinking, you flex your hand forward, throwing a couple of the button shaped chocolates at him. "Oh, whatever!" you say, feeling annoyed that you couldn't defeat him and cross your arms.

Negan grabs the bag of chocolates from your hand, and throws a handful back at you. You lean back, trying to avoid them but they hit you anyway. You laugh together and for a moment it feels like you're back to your pre-apocalyptic normal life. It's such a vivid feeling, it's as if you're truly back to normality again. It's just you and your boyfriend hanging out together after a long, hard day at work and it's the nicest feeling; being snuggled up in the warmth of a clean blanket and your boyfriends's arms. And just like that, the vision vanishes. You're still surrounded by zombies, you're not at home and Negan is definitely not your boyfriend.

"What's up sweetheart?" Negan asks softly. I guess he noticed your momentary daydream, but you won't tell him what it was about.

"Oh- nothing. My ankle still feels a little sore." you admit, although that wasn't the main thing that was on your mind a second ago.

"Here, let me help." he says as he gently grabs your leg and places it on his lap. He slowly starts massaging your ankle, his touch is so gentle. Your brain is having a hard time processing that this same man is the Negan. The one who caused so much pain and suffering. And yet, here he is, treating you with more care than anyone has ever treated you. You can't help but stare at his face, your gaze tracing along his chiseled jaw and salt and pepper beard. His face is relaxed, he's not furrowing or smirking like he normally does. The wall that he normally has up is no longer there and that makes you feel something you haven't felt in a long time.

"Like what you see?" Negan interrupts you, and soon enough that attractive smirk is back on his face. It wasn't gone for long.

"You're not what I expected you to be." you find yourself saying and you can tell by the look on his face that he's intrigued.

"And what exactly do you mean by that sweetheart?" He turns slightly to face you, he stops massaging your ankle but his hand remains rested on your leg. You try not to think about that as you answer his question.

"The Negan I once knew is not the same Negan you are now, and I'm not sure whether it's the amnesia that's created this change in you."

"I still don't get where you're going with this love."

"What I'm trying to say is..that you're a kind person. You said you remember parts of your past before the zombie apocalypse, so maybe something happened afterwards that caused you to do the things you did."

His lips are lightly parted and he looks like he's really thinking about what you just said.

"That..may be true." He replies and you sense some hesitation in his voice. Curiosity takes the best of you. You figure that as you can't do anything about your current temporary living situation, you might as well take advantage of it and try to learn as much as possible about him; then if he ever remembers everything again, you might be able to use something against him. The saying does go 'keep your friends close but your enemies closer' for a reason.

"So tell me about your past." You say, feeling much more confident than before.

"What do you want to know?" He says, leaning further back into the sofa.

"Everything."

You talk until the early hours of the morning. He tells you about his kind mother and his strict, military father. He tells you that his favourite dish is macaroni cheese but he always has to have crispy onions on top. He also tells you all of his funny college stories and you share some stories of your own..

You fall asleep another night, but this time the handsome man sleeps next to you and his hands still touch the soft skin of your legs.


	7. Visitors

You're startled awake by a figure standing directly above you, the person's hands firmly gripping your shoulders. Alarm bells immediately go off in your head and you swiftly push your body off the sofa and onto the person, pinning them to the ground. As the sleepiness vanishes and your gaze sharpens, you are met with a pair of familiar brown eyes and you sigh a breath of relief. The relief doesn't last long though as you notice a strange expression on his face. Panic? Worry? You can see Negan's lips moving and as you finally focus on the words coming out of his mouth, you realize that you're about to be in deep shit.

"Look, we don't have long. You just need to trust me. Simon, Dwight and some of my guys are here. I heard their signal. Follow my lead and I promise they won't lay a finger on you." He quickly says to you in a hushed tone. Your brain's trying hard to put everything he just said together, and you know you must act fast; though the sensible part of your brain can't help but question it all. Is he really telling you the truth? Have his memories all come back? Is this some kind of trap? And why the hell were you so relieved when you realized it was Negan standing over you?

"Wait a minute- You remember them now?" Your body goes stiff as the realization hits you. Oh shit. His memories have come back. Negan's expression is that of surprise, he pauses for a moment before answering you. 

"Yeah, but they only just came to me. I still don't remember everyth-" He says but is interrupted by men's voices just outside the door. He briefly tilts his head towards the door and then turns back to look at you. He gives you a reassuring squeeze on your arms. "Trust me" he says, his voice even more of a whisper than before.

Of course, you shake away your doubts and your feelings take over. You nod at him, showing him that you do actually trust him. "Okay", you say as you get off him and extend your hand to help him up. He looks at you for a moment and his palm finally meets yours. Even when he lets go, you can still feel his touch on your skin and your fingertips gently brush over the area.

He takes a few steps towards the door, straightening his posture. He glaces at you once last time before opening the door, "Hello boys."

"Boss, it's great to see you!" Simon is the first to speak up, he opens his arms and then rests them on his hips. "We've been looking everywhere for you."

Dwight takes a few steps forward, standing next to Simon. "We checked every single hut, this was the last one left."

Negan chuckles, "Good job soldiers. It's good to see you're still loyal to me."

Simon leans to the right, glancing behind Negan to see a figure standing inside the hut. "Who's the pretty lady boss?" He asks, curiosity taking over him.

"Just a little prize I found along the way. Couldn't stay in this hut all by myself without a little company." Negan replies smugly. He motions for you to come to him with his index finger and you obey his orders. You soon come face to face with four men resembling a pack of wolves looking like they're ready to hunt their pray. You can feel their eyes on every inch of your body, as if they haven't seen a woman before and it makes you feel physically sick. They all laugh in unison and you try not to think about all the dirty thoughts currently going through their minds.

"Easy boys. This one's already taken. But as a kind gesture to your loyalty, let's have a little celebration tonight. No food rationing, no working, just some good ol' ball-licking fun. What do y'all say?" He says, leaning back with his palms up in a questioning stance. The men all look at each other, their grins growing wider as they nod their heads.

"Hell yeah boss! Now let's get you home. Your wives have been eager to see you." Simon exclaims in excitement. 

'Wives? Negan is married? To multiple women?' you think to yourself. Your heart sinks to your stomach. Next thing you know - Dwight is tying your hands up behind you. 

"What the hell?!" you yell in protest, trying to release from his grip. 

"Calm down beautiful. I'm just tying you up, that's all. I won't hurt you." You feel Dwight's hot breath by your ear. That makes you feel even more uneasy. You start to panic, calling Negan's name to save you from this creep. 

He slowly turns around to face you, "Do as you're told, Y/N." His voice is firm but his eyes have a softness to them. You don't say anything else. You allow the men to lead you through the path, but you can't help but feel anger. Anger at the fact that Negan's allowing these men to eye fuck you right in front of him and anger at the fact that he never once mentioned his wives. And yeah, maybe the memories of those women were wiped from his brain at the time but the thought of him being with them made your blood boil.


	8. Home Sweet Home

You guessed you'd been walking for a couple of hours by the time you arrived at the Sanctuary, as Negan called it. You all walked into the run down building, heading up a set of rusty metal stairs. When you got to the top of the landing, you looked over the railing to see people working below you. The room was large and it looked like each person had a different post. Some people were preparing food, while others cleaned weapons and others carried what looked like laundry to one corner of the room. 

"Home sweet home!" Negan's voice echoed throughout the room. Everyone turned to look up and they all kneeled down to him. You had forgotten how much power this man possessed. It scared you, and at the same time made your legs tremble in a different kind of way.

"I know you all missed my handsome face, but I'm back now. And tonight, we're going to party hard. I think we all deserve to let loose for one night. Don't ya think?" Negan says, looking down at everyone. There's so much confidence oozing out of this man, it's kind of incredible to watch him.

Everyone starts shouting enthusiastically, praising and thanking Negan. When you thought about what the sanctuary would be like, you never imagined this. You imagined it as a prison but this was a community, albeit one with very strict rules but nonetheless a community. That certainly gave you a new outlook on who Negan really was. Although his ways of getting what he wanted weren't right...he still managed to keep people alive and hopeful. And that's fucking hard to do when you're constantly surrounded by these ravenous walking corpses.

"Now get your asses back to work, there's a lot of prepping to do."

~~~~~~

You're taken into a small room by one of Negan's men you don't recognize. You look around the room, all it had was a bed and a dresser. "This is your room" the young man states, not looking at you in the eye. He's not as intimidating as some of the other men here, which is a nice change. He looks to be in his mid-twenties with black hair and dark brown eyes. He has a short stubble along his jaw and upper lip, and his skin is tan. If these were normal circumstances you lived in, you would say he's an attractive guy. But these aren't normal circumstances, so you push that thought out of your mind.

"I'm going to get you a change of clothes and then I'll take you to the bathroom where you can shower." You open your mouth to protest but remember how long it's been since you last showered and you're dying to feel clean again. You nod instead, "Okay."

And with that he leaves, leaving you all alone for the first time in days. You take a deep breath in and let it out, plopping your whole body on the bed. You think back to your family in Alexandria. You miss them so much, it makes your chest ache. Tears start forming and you blink to stop yourself from crying. You need to keep it together, for the sake of yourself and your family.

The attractive guy returns and leads you to the bathroom down the hall. It looks like a gym's toilets, there are multiple stalls on either side of the walls and there's a door that leads to the showers. 

"Can I go to the bathroom?" You ask, turning to him.

"Uh, yeah, sure." he replies, scratching the back of his head. He looks just as awkward as you feel right now.

Once you've finished your business, you walk together into the open plan showers. He points to the closest one on the left and you walk closer to it, all of a sudden feeling extremely self-conscious. 

"Do you mind?" You say, making it known that you definitely do not feel comfortable having some random person watching you shower.

"I can't leave you alone. Negan's orders." He says, straightening his posture to look more intimidating. His failure to do so makes you want to laugh, but you hold it in.

"Well, can you at least turn around? Give a girl some privacy?" You respond, switching your weight between your legs.

"Uh, sure. Just don't try anything stupid." He warns, as he turns around to his right side.

You stand there for a moment, making sure that he isn't going to turn around and when you're satisfied that he won't, you strip your grimy clothing off. You turn the knob and when the warm water hits your skin it feels like heaven. You take your time, scrubbing every inch of your body until the water runs clear. You slowly massage the shampoo through your hair, letting it all foam up. It had been a while since you had had a warm shower. Even back in Alexandria, the water was always cold.

Even though you took longer than you probably should have, the attractive guy said nothing. He patiently waited until you were done.

"Can you pass me a towel please?" You ask, covering your body with your hands as best as you can.

"Oh- yeah, sorry." He replies apologetically. He gently throws the towels and your new clothing towards you, still looking away. 

"Thanks." you say, feeling appreciative that he's not a weirdo. Once you're dressed he takes you back to your room. He stands by the doorway, holding onto the door knob. "I'm Noah by the way" he introduces himself. At least you don't have to refer to him as 'attractive guy' in your head anymore...

"Y/N" you reply, a slight smile peeking from your lips. He returns the smile and closes the door, hearing him lock it.

~~~~~~

Noah walks into the room holding a tray of food, waking you up from your nap. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I brought you food." Noah explains and places the tray at the end of your bed. With the door now open, you notice all the loud voices and laughing coming from downstairs. You figure it's to do with the celebration that Negan spoke about earlier.

"That's okay, thank you" You say, bringing the tray onto your lap. Noah nods, and turns to leave but he stops when you call his name.

"Noah. Can I ask you a question?" You say, and he turns back to face you.

"Sure."

"When they were bringing me here, I heard them mention something about Negan's wives? What's that all about?" You ask curiously. 

Noah chuckles, "Well, they aren't his actual wives. He just calls them that so everyone knows they belong to him and only him. They're basically there to please him whenever he wants, if you get what I mean." You almost choke on your water.

"Seriously? He has women for the sole purpose of pleasing him? What an ass." You can't help but say.

"I mean yeah, you're right. But for them it's a fair trade for the luxury they get to live in, so I guess it works." He replies, shrugging.

"What kind of luxury?" You push further, wanting to know more.

"They don't have to work, they are automatically treated with respect by everyone in this place, they get the best clothes, the best items and they get to sleep with a 'sex god' as they like to call him." 

As soon as you hear the last sentence, you burst out laughing, "They actually call him that? That's hilarious!"

He laughs with you, then pauses for a moment. He looks unsure of something. His eyes wander to the floor and back up to yours. "There's been a lot of talk going on about you being one of his new wives."

"What?! Me?! His wife?! You have got to be kidding me. That's never going to happen." You exclaim, shaking your head. Your conversation is interrupted when the door swings open and Negan walks in.

"You can go now. And close the door behind you." He orders Noah.

His tough demeanor vanishes when the door shuts. "Have they been treating you well?" he asks.

"Yeah, Noah took me to the showers and gave me a change of clothes. He just brought this food up for me too." You respond. 

Negan looks surprised. "Noah? So you're on a first name basis already? Damn, and I thought I worked fast.." 

"You sure do work fast. How many wives do you have again?" You say, your sarcasm showing.

He looks taken aback for a second and then he hesitantly answers, "Six."

You feel a mix of shock and anger but can't quite understand why it's affecting you so much. All you want to do is leave this place, and never have to see this prick again. 

"Just so we're clear, I'm not becoming one of your wives." You say firmly, a frown forming on your face.

Negan exhales loudly, "I'm doing it to keep you safe."

"No." You simply reply, standing your ground. 

"If you're going to be staying here, it's the only way I can guarantee your safety sweetheart." Negan says, sitting down on the bed next to you.

"Who said anything about me staying here? I'll be gone by sunrise." You say, getting up and placing your half eaten meal on the dresser, not feeling hungry anymore.

"You can't go." Negan gets up and walks behind you.

"I can't go? Are you keeping me prisoner now?" You turn around to face him, raising your voice.

His eyes flick from your eyes to your lips and back up. "No. You're not a prisoner." He inches closer to you, placing his arms on either side of you on the dresser. "I just want to keep you safe." He whispers in your ear and he moves lower, brushing his lips on your neck. You momentarily close your eyes, as your whole body tingles from that single touch. You're not going to let him manipulate you though. You place your hands on his chest and push him away, forcing him to take a step back.

"I don't need you to keep me safe. I've managed on my own just fine. All I need is to get out of here." He looks almost...hurt?

He backs away from you, his eyes are glued to the floor. He points his hand towards the door, "Then go." You swear you heard a slight tremble in his voice as he said that, but you can't be completely sure. And this isn't the time to be paying attention to silly things like that. You have to keep your focus on what really matters; which is getting back to your family.

This is it. This is finally your chance to get away from him for good. To go back home, back to your family. But your legs feel like boulders, making it impossible for you to move. You think about why you'd possibly want to spend another second in this place when you've been given the opportunity to leave. You know the answer to that question, but you deny it. You try and find another logical reason. There isn't one. He's what's keeping you here. And it's not by force. No. It's a choice. 

Anger builds inside of you. You're angry at the circumstances that led you to meeting him, you're angry at him, but you're mostly angry with yourself. Angry that you no longer hate the man you once despised for all he'd done. 

You force yourself to move from the position you were paralyzed in. You walk towards the door reaching out for the handle, or at least that's what your mind was telling you to do. Your body decides to think for itself and you find yourself only inches apart from Negan. Everything seems to slow down and fast forward at the same time. Your hand rests on his jaw and you kiss him. Hard. His lips respond immediately to your touch and he kisses you back with force. His arms slip behind your waist, pulling you further in to his body.

A knock on the door brings you back to your senses and you push him off of you. You're both panting hard and he frowns at you. Without saying another word, he walks to the door and opens it wide.

You see Noah standing there, still trying his hardest to look intimidating in front of Negan. 

"What is it?" Negan asks.

"Boss, Simon sent me up. He needs to speak with you. It looks like there's an issue with one of the generators."

"Okay, I'm going to have to check that out." Negan says, turning to glance at you momentarily and your heart skips a beat, remembering where his lips were only seconds before. He starts to walk out of the room, "Noah, show Y/N the way out. She's leaving."

Noah follows Negan's orders and leads you outside. "You were right, you didn't become one of Negan's wives." He says, and you chuckle. 

"Yep, I told you so!" You reply, pretending to look smug.

"It's kind of a shame though, I thought you'd stay here a little longer." He admits, looking at you.

You smile, looking down at the gravel. "Thanks for being so nice to me. Everyone else is scary-looking in that place." Now it's his turn to chuckle.

Sensing that there's nothing else left to say, you wave at him as you walk backwards and he waves back. You finally turn around, facing the long journey back home.

But before you get the chance to step outside of the gates, you feel a firm hand on your shoulder as it becomes almost painful. You turn around at once to see an angry expression on an older man's face; Simon. 

"Now where do you think you're going princess?" He asks you, he's so close that you can see every little wrinkle and imperfection on his face. You start to feel uneasy, knowing that his presence never means well. You try to slow your heart rate down by taking a subtle but deep breath, hoping he doesn't notice how intimidated you're feeling.

"I'm leaving." You respond firmly, moving your shoulder back so that his hand falls to his side. He hastily takes a step closer to you and grabs your face with his hand, bringing you inches from his own. 

"And who said you can do that?" He asks, his expression becoming darker by the second.

"Negan did." You reply, and he chuckles at that.

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure Negan is just going to let you to waltz off into the sunset." He exclaims, continuing to laugh as if you've just made some kind of joke. The grip on your face becomes tighter and you try to move away, but to no avail. You frantically move your pupils around as your head is fixed in place to see if there is anyone else around, but all you can see is darkness.

"He did. He said I could go. Just ask him!" You try to explain, although you know there's no reasoning with a madman. 

"Now why would I do that...when I could be doing something much more enjoyable?" His pupils are almost black and his voice sounds deeper as if a demon has possessed his body. His one hand continues grabbing your face and the other slides to the back of your body, caressing your ass. You're in full panic mode as you try to get away from him. You manage to release from his grip and run, but he manages to trip you over and you fall down face first on the gravelly ground. 

He gets on top of you and turns you around, pinning your hands on top of your head. You scream at him to get off of you but it's like he can't even hear you. He's so consumed by getting the one thing he wants, and that one thing is you. He sloppily starts kissing your neck as you continue to try to wriggle out of his grip, and he moves down to your chest. He uses one of his hands to rip the top part of your shirt open, slightly exposing your breasts and he trails his tongue further down your body. As he's doing so, you manage to get into a good position to kick him in his balls. It seems like he catches on with what you're about to do and he shifts over you slightly, so that the kick hits him on the right side of his pelvis instead. You could tell it hurt him but it didn't have nearly as much of an impact as you'd hoped for. 

That seems to enrage him further and he moves his hands to your neck, his grip becoming so tight you can hardly breathe. You start throwing punches towards his face but your petite arms don't compare to his long, dangly ones as they keep him at a good distance from yours coming into contact with his head. 

You begin to feel faint and you try to reserve every breath you manage to take, worried that the next one may be your last. Your energy soon depletes and your hands move to grip his wrists but with not as much strength as you want them to. Your vision begins to go in and out of focus, and you notice fragments of him undoing his trousers with one hand and then moving to do the same with yours. 

In a split second your mind goes to Rick, Michonne, Carl and everyone else in Alexandria. It goes to Negan. You can feel yourself slipping away but the thought of your loved ones makes you realize that you have to fight. You have to give the biggest fight of your life. It's now or never. You have always been a fighter, and you aren't going to let yourself die without a fight this time either. You begin to thrash around with every ounce of energy you have left. This throws Simon off; thinking that he'd completely exhausted you. This is the moment when you strike him with the palm of your hand in the nose, making it bleed almost instantly. He automatically cups his face, and you throw him off of you. You don't continue to fight him, knowing full well that you aren't going to win the fight. Instead, you run towards the sanctuary. Simon screams your name and it makes every hair on your body stand up in horror. You're almost at the door but you trip over a rock. You glance behind you and see Simon running towards you. You hear the door of the Sanctuary open as you struggle to get yourself back on your feet. Instant relief washes over you as you see the person who steps out.

"Negan, help me!" You cry, the desperation in your voice evident.


	9. Damned Emotions

An instant expression of concern appears on Negan's face, and it takes him a moment to realize what's happening. You can see him adding all the pieces together in his head when he glances between you and Simon; who has now slowed his pace down from a run to a relaxed walk.

He suddenly pulls you in a protective embrace and looks down towards you as you start sobbing uncontrollably. "Did he hurt you?" He asks.

You look up at him and even with your blurry, teary-eyed vision you can't help but admire his imperfectly perfect features. You nod at his question and he walks up to Simon, who has a pleased look on his face.

His expression is quickly wiped away when Negan punches him square in the face, the same spot you had stricken him only a few moments ago. He continues to beat him until laying on the floor, his eye already turning purple and swollen. Negan finally speaks up and aggressively forces Simon to stand up by grabbing the collar of his jacket. "You better hear me loud and clear. Because I'm only going to say this once. Do not ever touch her. Ever again. Because the next time you fuck with me, it's not just your face that's going to be burned off." 

Simon says nothing to this, knowing that anything he's going to say will only aggravate Negan further. There's a mixture of fear and confusion in his face, probably because he can't understand why Negan's so concerned about the welfare of a insignificant girl like you.

Negan takes Simon inside the sanctuary with him, and you can hear him call over Dwight and a couple of other men to deal with Simon. You don't realise you've been standing frozen in the same spot until Negan finally comes out on his own. 

"You okay?" He asks, taking a few cautious steps towards you. Just that simple question coming out of his lips breaks you, your eyes welling up with heavy tears.

"Am I okay? How can you even ask that? Of course I'm not okay! I've just been assaulted, I don't know if my family is still safe and I've had to spend every breathing moment of the past week with the monster that killed my friends! Do you remember now? What you did to Glenn and Abraham? Who you truly are?!" You shout, shoving him repeatedly. 

His raises his eyebrows in shock, he takes a few steps back to avoid your shoves. He sits down on the steps of the door and rests his head between his hands. You watch him in confusion, not expecting his reaction. You were ready for him to fight back, scream back at you and you would have preferred that...because it would have proved to you that he's as evil as you've been trying to convince yourself he is in the days you've spent with him.

A few minutes of silence are broken by him finally answering. "I remember. I remember it all." He slowly looks up at you, "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? Sorry for what? It's my fault for trusting you. My fault for letting my guard down, for letting myself feel something for you. I knew what you were capable of and yet I still let myself like you. For all I know you could've planned this whole damn thing. You could've ordered Simon to follow me out here and do the things he did, only for you to come out and act a hero...to manipulate me further" you say, pacing back and forth as you run your fingers through your hair.

Negan stands up, walking towards you. "I can't erase the past, I know that. But I promise you, none of it was planned. After what you just said, it all came back to me. I know I'm a terrible man but I swear to you, all I want is to keep you safe."

He reaches his hand up to touch your cheek, but you flinch backwards. "Don't." He doesn't hide the pained expression on his face. 

"I shouldn't have let you leave on your own. I was pissed you wanted to get away from me so desperately, but I can see why now. I'm sorry he touched you. He's going to get what the bastard deserves. I've made sure of it." 

You're filled with so many different thoughts and feelings, you can barely process any of it. Instead, you bring yourself to focus on your original goal; to get back to Alexandria. "I have to get back to my family, I don't want them worrying any longer."

"Okay, let me take you there." You're surprised by his offer, but you have to force yourself to bury any feelings for him that aren't hate inside you. You keep trying to remind yourself of the bad things, but your mind constantly replaces them with something good. Him saving your life, his smile, his sarcastic jokes, his lips on yours...

"No." You say, in response to his offer as well as to your own intrusive thoughts.

"Look, you said you want to get back to your family as soon as possible. It'll take you a day to walk back and it'll only take me a couple of hours to drive you there. It'll be just me. No one else. Let me do this one last thing for you. It's the least I can do." He says, almost pleading. You can't understand why he wants to do that for you and why he's pretending to care. But getting back to Alexandria safe and sound is a lot more appealing than being attacked by zombies in the middle of the night.

"Fine. Take me home."


	10. Is This It?

Half an hour into the two hour drive back to Alexandria and you haven't spoken a word to each other. You're glad he's given you some space to allow you to sort through the mess going on in your brain. You've managed to calm yourself down, and everything's seems a lot clearer now. You're going to get home, reunite with your loves ones and completely forget about Negan.

As if he can hear what you're thinking, he speaks up while still looking at the road ahead. "You know, before this whole shit-show happened, I used to love going on drives in the middle of the night. It gave me a sense of peace and clarity. Helped me make sense of whatever fuckery was going on in my brain."

You look up at him, but don't respond. He continues. "I still go on drives sometimes. Not nearly as often of course, but when I'm stuck with some shitty decision to make, it's the only thing that does the trick of helping me choose."

Surprisingly, you can relate to what he's saying. You never thought you'd be similar in any kind of way, but you guess the world's always full of surprises. There's flesh eating zombies around you for God's sake! You find yourself wanting to share your own thoughts, but you hesitate. You weigh the pros and cons, and you can't see how it could hurt talking to someone. Maybe that's what you need, to let it out. Sure, he's not the best choice but it's all you've got right now and it'll make time pass by faster which is a bonus.

"This reminds me of when I was little and my dad used to take me on little road trips. It became the one thing I looked forward to. He loved nature and so we'd drive through the mountains, admiring the greenery surrounding us. I'd breathe in the smell of pine and fresh air, with the windows rolled down which would completely mess up my hair. Sometimes he'd put his favourite song on, and we'd sing it at the top of our lungs knowing that only the birds and wild animals could hear us." You smile as you reminisce of the past.

You catch him staring at you, but he quickly looks away. It makes your heart skip a beat. "What's the name?" He pipes up.

"What?" You ask, confused by his question.

"The name of your dad's favourite song." He states, and you don't know how you missed that in the first place.

"Oh, okay. Don't laugh - it's I Love Rock And Roll" You say, suddenly feeling a little shy.

He laughs, despite you specifically telling him not to. "Why would I laugh at that?"

"Well you're laughing now aren't you?" You say, a unwanted smile creeping up on your face.

"Yeah, but not at that. I'm laughing at your reaction." He says, continuing to guffaw as he looks at you.

"What reaction? What do you mean?" Your laughter increases just as his does.

"Nothing, don't worry about. You're cute, is all." At this, you feel heat start to burn your cheeks and you look out of the window hoping he doesn't notice.

"Lucky for you, I actually have the Joan Jett And the Blackhearts CD." Negan informs you, as he rummages through the glove compartment of his jeep. When he finds it, he holds it up to show you. "Right...here."

"You're kidding?" You blurt out, not being able to keep your enthusiasm at bay. It's been so long since you last heard this song, and you associate it with some of your happiest memories.

"Wouldn't have said it if I was kidding." He states, and slides the CD into the slot. The song starts to play and you both enjoy the guitar solo at the beginning of the tune. You're taken by surprise when he actually starts to sing along. "I saw him dancing there by the record machine..."

You stare at him for a moment, waiting for him to stop singing but he doesn't. You're trying to hold back but the desire to sing along becomes to strong, so you give in completely. "And I could tell it wouldn't be long till he was with me, yeah with me."

As the chorus approaches you both scream at the top of your lungs, not giving a care in the world. "Singin' I love rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox baby! I love rock and roll so come on take some time and dance with me!" You sing from the bottom of your heart, feeling happier than you've felt in a very long time.

When the song comes to an end, you're both still smiling. You feel a rush of adrenaline in your body and you don't want it to end. You start sharing more about your life and he does too for the remainder of the drive. You find out he really enjoys reading and painting, but he's not very good at the latter. You tell him about the time your brother threw a rock at you when you were nine and it accidentally went straight to your mouth, causing your lip to split open. It required stitches. You had to eat only soup for a week afterwards. It wasn't pleasant.

As you get closer to Alexandria, you start to recognize the familiar road you had trekked countless of times. You feel a pang of disappointment, knowing that this is soon going to end. You force that feeling as far back as you can, knowing that all you should be feeling right now is happiness that you'll be seeing your family and getting away from Negan.

"You can stop here. I'll walk the rest of the way. Don't want them getting spooked by seeing your car approaching." You say, avoiding his gaze.

He stops the car and you wrap your palm around the handle to open the door. But before you can do so, his voice stops you midway. "So this is it then..." From the tone of his voice, it makes you think that he feels just as disappointed as you do.

Your chest becomes heavy as you're reminded that this is the end for the two of you. "I guess it is. It's probably best that we forget the past few days ever happened. For the sake of our people of course." You force yourself to say.

He just nods. You want him to say something, anything that'll make you stay just a little longer. You try to think of something to say, but no words come out. As much as you've been trying to suppress your feelings for him, you know it's no use. You want him; more than you've wanted anyone in a long time. Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome or whatever it's called but with each second that passes, you seem to care less and less. Since the apocalypse begun, everyone's lost so much even to the point were they've lost themselves.

Before, you were a carefree person. Someone who fought for their dreams, but it doesn't feel like that's at all possible anymore. You stick by the rules so that the whole community isn't affected by your poor actions. You can no longer be selfish in any type of way. You don't matter anymore, it's the collective group that matters the most. You miss feeling wanted and doing what you want without thinking of the consequences. Negan brought back that feeling in such a short amount of time. For the first time in years, you feel alive again.

You turn to look at him and at his lips as he gently brushes his tongue over them. You can feel your heart racing knowing that you're about to do something you shouldn't. But you block any resistance out. You want to be selfish, just this once. It may be the only chance you'll ever get.

You grab Negan's face and collide your lips with his. You immediately deepen the kiss, wanting more. He responds by slipping his tongue in your mouth and it makes you moan. You move your leg over him so that you're now straddling him in the driver's seat, but his hands push you away. "Stop. You don't really want to do this." He says, clearly breathless from your passionate kiss. He gently slides his fingers down your neck, making you flinch in discomfort which you gather is from Simon's hands around your throat earlier. "I'm sorry he did this to you." He says, but you shush him.

"I want this. I want you. More than I've wanted anything else in my life." And at that, you kiss him again and this time he doesn't stop you. He caresses your back and you slide your hands under his shirt feeling his toned muscles. He takes this as his queue to remove your top in one swift motion. His lips trail gentle but prickly kisses on every inch of your upper body, and you remove your bra not being able to wait any longer. He grabs your breast and starts sucking it, which causes you to grind up against him.

Your hand trails down to his trousers, and you undo them. You slip your hand past his boxers, your palm colliding with his erected member. You hear his breath hitch and that makes you caress him even faster.

He takes this as his turn to unzip your trousers and you manoeuvre so that he is able to pull them completely off, along with your panties. He massages your inner thigh, preparing you for the sensation of his fingers on your clit. When he finally does it, you can't help but take a deep breath in. It feels like heaven.

He continues drawing circles on your clit and then slides each finger, one by one inside you. You move down towards them, wanting to feel every inch of them between your walls, but it's not enough. You continue to kiss him deeply as you grab his cock and align it with your opening. You look into each other's eyes momentarily, both wanting to make sure the other still wants this. And you both do, because you connect in unison as you sit down on his lap and he cocks his hips up so that his member is now fully inside you. You rhythmically move up and down, enjoying every sensation that creates in your body. As he continues to pound you harder and harder, you finally reach a state of euphoria. Every cell in your body is awakened as you climax with his cock still inside you. He continues to fuck you until his own pleasure takes over, and he suddenly pulls out of you as thick cum pours all over your stomach.

You're both breathing heavily as you try to recover from your climaxes, and he grabs his shirt to wipe you clean. You move back to the passenger seat and get dressed, just as he does too. "I'm going to miss you." He says, looking at you with hooded eyes.

"Miss me? Or do you mean miss fucking me? Don't you have like...six wives to do that with?" You respond sarcastically.

He chuckles as he sits up straight in his seat and rests his hands on the steering wheel in front of him. You turn to him and smile, telling him a silent goodbye and you exit the vehicle. You walk towards the gates and try your best to aim your heard straight ahead, afraid you might look back. You suddenly hear a door open and shut behind you.

"I'm serious, I'm going to fucking miss you." Negan shouts towards you. You stop walking and slowly turn around to face him. Your feet start walking towards him without you giving them permission to. You lean into him for one last kiss. You kiss him long and hard, wanting to savour every part of him.

When you finally part, you smile but it doesn't reach your eyes. "Goodbye Negan." You turn around, walking away from him for real this time; and in this moment it feels like it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've reached Chapter 10, congratulations! You've made it!
> 
> I'm by no means an expert at writing - not even close, but I truly hope you enjoyed this read.
> 
> I love Negan's character and I've read some incredible fanfics so far, but I'm always left wanting more. That's why I decided to write my own story! I have another Negan-inspired story on the way and it'll be published on my page when it's complete, so please anticipate this~ :)
> 
> I'd love to know your thoughts on this story. Any constructive criticism is more than welcome.
> 
> Love,
> 
> \- E x


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